1. When my toddler gets me angry, I turn on our Roomba and watch her run around avoiding it.
2. I love these fidget spinner things more than the kids.
3. Dadfession: Kidz Bop music is actually pretty good.
4. My daughter’s Legos are the cutest thing I’ve ever seen and I kind of want some.
5. 34% of the fun of kids events is checking out the MILFs. Yes, I am divorced.
6. I hide my favorite chips in a cracker box the kids won’t look in.
7. I hide in my car at the gas station to eat cookies so I don’t have to share.
8. Today marks 10 months that I’ve been lying to my husband by telling him it’s dangerous for me to clean the cat litter box while breastfeeding.
9. I sometimes pretend not to smell my son’s poopy diaper until my husband does, so I don’t have to change them.